Showers and such

I had the most incredible honor of helping with a bridal shower today.  There were many reasons I was excited for the opportunity, not the least of which is my desire to start my own party planning business.  I found myself thinking about the party during church, which isn't uncommon, really, as (hopefully I am not the only one who struggles with this!) my mind can wander.  It wandered a good direction today, because I found myself evaluating what it is about party planning that I enjoy so much.

I found myself having to face up and decide if it was all pride.  Was I only wanting to do party "stuff" because of the ego-stroking that comes when things go well?  Is is about me feeling important and popular?  I had to really think about that.  And as I thought, I had to be honest enough to admit that was at least a small part of it.  Being entirely honest. don't we all seek after a little pat on the back?  We get stoked when we are "stroked."  But shouldn't there be more?  If we are seeing after doing something as a career or even a hobby that it is only just about ego, what happens when the results of your job don't get the result you desire?  Will you give up in defeat?

So I was left wondering.  What more is there to my desire to chase this dream?  Is there more to this dream? I thought back to something I told my family about parties.  If you have ever read any of the Love Languages books by Gary Smalley, this will make more sense.  Parties appeal to our desire to be loved.  The speak to every love language.  We give and get hugs at parties (touch).  We get cards and well wishes (words of encouragement).  We usually get at least one gift (gifts).  Someone expends their time and energy to make the party happen for us (acts of service).  Our friends join us at the party (quality time).  Parties make us feel loved.  Planning a successful party is all about love.

And then, Pastor Paul went and said something that just resounded with the direction my brain had wandered.  It was a verse most of us know.  "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. " John 15:13.  And my mind wandered a little farther.  You see, most of us will NEVER be asked to jump in front of a proverbial bullet for a friend.  We might go our entire lives to a ripe old age and never follow in Jesus' footsteps or in the martyr's footsteps, laying down our life for our faith.  But should we walk even a DAY without at some point laying down our life (you know, that stuff we do all day every day for our own pleasure, to further our careers, to make our kids better/smarter/funnier, the stuff that gives us a kick) for a friend?  


I am NOT a morning girl.  I like to sleep in and I am usually one of the first in bed at our house.  But when it comes time to plan a party or event, I will stay up a little later and get up a little earlier than usual just to make it what I think it should be.  I can lay down my need for sleep for a time for a friend.


I am NOT a housekeeper.  I don't even remotely like washing dishes.  But you know, when it comes time to bake goodies for a party, I have no problem whatsoever cleaning my kitchen 5 or 6 times in a day so I can have a clean space to prep party goodies.  I can lay down my dislike of washing dishes by hand for a friend.  


I am NOT a computer wiz.  I like to buy stuff someone else has created, but my budget is tight most of the time.  I joke that I like to put together Highland Park parties on a Rowlett budget.  That means I just can't afford to spend $45+ per party to get the look I want from window dressing stuff.  I can lay down my fear of struggling through learning a new technology to make my party just a little nicer for a friend.  


For some of us, there are things we might like to do for a friend, and it just isn't in us.  For me, that includes decorating a full size cake.  I leave that to my daughters and husband.  I tell everyone.  Cakes make me cry.  I am probably NOT going to lay my cake-distresses down for a friend, but I will happily help you find the right baker for your party!  I have friends that would not be up to laying their life down for a friend at a party.  And I applaud that, especially if your gifts lie elsewhere.  You ladies know who you are.  You are my greatest encouragers.  You inspire me to budget more carefully.  You show me that persevering through great trials will result in joy in the morning.  You amaze me with your unique gifts.  And somewhere, somehow in your life, God will present you the opportunity to use those to lay your life down for a friend.
 

Let it Rain

We've been sitting in the driest conditions in our dustbowl of a state watching the clouds gather and tease us with hopes and thoughts of rain.  I watched my kids run squealing out of our house a few days ago because there were a few rain drops on the grill.  I walked to and from our local dance studio yesterday because for once this year, it was cool enough to not just do it, but to enjoy it.  And my aching joints suggest that perhaps, just maybe, if the atmosphere is truly as it feels it is, we might just get some rain sometime soon.

But here I am, doing a "rain check" on my heart.  Is my heart dry and brittle?  Have I neglected the Word, which rains hope and peace and floods my soul with His goodness?  Am I feeling discontented not because I truly need to work harder but because I have let weeds of pride or envy creep into the garden which God has planted in my heart?  When I talk to my children, is it with love, peace, joy, and understanding, or am I hard like our Texas soil in the absence of rain?  I am thankful to say that right now I am in a season of gentle, soaking rain.  You remember it?  The kind our property so desperately needs right now?  I'm still lumpy and bumpy and I need the Gardener to weed and till up some of the hard ground, but there is a healthy growth working its way through the hardness that drought has created.

Let's pray for rain, friends!

The body-heart connection

I've often wondered how it is that even without looking at a calendar, without counting up the days, our body can seem to know that a day has some kind of painful connection?  As I sat on the couch, trying to decipher the slightly higher blood pressure, muscle aches, and anxiety I was feeling, I started to think about what day today is.  Why today?  Why on a holiday weekend when everything seems to be doing so well?  Why, when my heart feels like it is finally starting to mend and I can pray without asking why bad things happen, am I feeling so down?  Turns out, today is the one-month anniversary of our most recent loss.  And like clock work, each time the one-month anniversary of a loss rolls around, with it comes a wave of sadness, of actual physical anxiety and stress that I find myself wondering if I need a trip to a doctor's office.

There is a great verse, Isaiah 40:31, for just such a moment as this, "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.  They shall mount up on wings as eagles.  They shall run, and not be weary.  They shall walk, and not faint."  So, I gather my tears and my struggles.  I gather my questions that will probably remain unanswered until I see Jesus face to face.  I gather the pieces of my heart that are just starting to mend back into place.  And gathered all together, I wait.  It would be so much easier if there were some "doing" out there for me.  And in the coming days and weeks, there will be jobs God puts in my way to do.  But for tonight, I will simply wait.  Trusting that it will be as He has said.

Change

I have been challenged to journal about change, and because I just can't do things the ordinary way, like getting out a notebook and writing in it, I decided to put it out here, for you to enjoy and me to be able to look at later.  Pardon any mistakes or strange tangents, it is just supposed to be a quick and spontaneous activity, not a 5 paragraph treatise.  

If I could change one thing about my life right now, it would be my house.  I would like to change it because I get tired of always having everyone underfoot with little space for anyone to call his or her own.  It is so incredibly stressful to have to figure out how to make 6 people's belongings fit into a house designed for 4 or fewer.  Figuring out how to fix dinner in a kitchen with no prep space other than the kitchen table, which MUST be cleaned before you can sit down to eat.  Trying to figure out where to put everyone's clothing that must be washed, dried, folded, sorted into rooms, worn, and the go back through the system all over again.  Trying to have a work-compatible place where I can concentrate without the constant barrage of other activities.  Finding a place to do any kind of hobby that would allow me to do a project I didn't finish in the 30 minutes to two hours I find to work on that hobby before having to move on to another job.

If someone had told me 12 years ago when we bought this house (and it looked so huge with nothing in it and compared to our little 2 bedroom apartment!) that we would one day have 4 children and I would work from home while homeschooling, I wish I would have realized that perhaps we needed another year to save up more of a down payment so we could have purchased a little more house then so we would not feel so very stuck now!

When I imagine that the entire change has been made in the best possible way, I imagine us moving to a nearby neighborhood (because I love where we live and have high expectations for the community in which we buy a home) with at least 4 bedrooms, maybe even 5, a decent kitchen and dining area, and if possible, a separate room for school stuff/hobby stuff/a work space/and play stuff that could be organized into "zones" and used for several purposes, but not be the main livingroom where everyone in kingdom come shows up for anything!  I imagine a house where my little boy can finally have a room that isn't purple and pink (poor little buy, sharing a room with his big sister, which doesn't bother him, really, but bothers me!).  

If I were to make that change, my first step might be to figure out how to get this darn garage converted.  Even if we can't figure out how to get out of our present house, we need to figure out how to make it work for us.  Turning of our extra closets into "cloffices" or closet offices and closet hobby areas may work to some extent.  I started that a long time ago, but wasn't able to make it seriously work because I didn't have the best ideas for making it happen.  New inspiration may help me get that figured out so once the garage is done I can have my office/hobby space in a closet.  In my dream world, though, I would just be able to walk out my front door, pick out the house that fits, and move:)

Figuring it all out

I think maybe I have my problem figured out.  I think that "figuring things out" is my problem.  I want to figure out why.  I want to figure out what next.  I want to figure out how.  And I get so bogged down in all of those questions I forget to rest in the peace of who I am today.  I forget to rest in the peace of where I am today.  I forget to rest in the peace of He who holds the tomorrows.  Maybe I don't need to figure things out.

Shocker, really.  I know I'm not the first or the last woman on earth to be faced with this conversation with herself.  I've even had this conversation with other women who have gone through things they don't understand.  I don't really know if it is a "woman" thing or a "human" thing.  Maybe I can figure that out... or not.