Ups and Downs

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:14-15, NIV).


Yesterday, when I was in the midst of my commentary on all of the potentially fear inducing messages in my inbox that morning, I didn't even think about giving you my "background."  I come from a family that is sometimes completely, unreasonably ruled by fear.  My grandmother took to her bed for literally 25+ years (I am honestly thinking closer to 30!) because of her fear of developing a particular medical ailment.  She was nearly constantly convinced she was dying and that anything we did would hurry that along.  My mom has made it to adulthood without ever learning to swim because of my grandmother's pathological fear of drowning.  I remember my mom trying and trying ever summer we could afford the adult swim lessons and being derailed every year because lurking in the back of her own mind was her fear (learned from her mom), that she would drown or that one of her children would drown.  I grew up fighting that fear from childhood.  I suspect it is my dad's genetic imprint on me that I refuse to let fear keep me from doing things I really need to do.  


Along the way of life, I developed this panicky sensation every time I had to cross a long bridge.  The worst one for me was the one on Highway 66 going from Rowlett to Rockwall.  This wouldn't have been a problem, but we have to drive that bridge.  Frequently.  I could choose to keep my roamings in Garland, or I could find some way to get over that sensation and just do it.  Which is what I did.  With lots of deep breathing, lots of prayer, and lots of continued driving on that bridge, I have gotten back to my initial ability to drive pretty much anywhere without fear.  


So, what is up with that quote at the beginning, you might ask.  Go ahead.  Ask!  That was the verse in my inbox today.  What does it remind me?  That through all of the struggles with fear, through every day I walk on earth, God already knew exactly what I would deal with.  He already knew about my battles, and is here, prepared to help me fight them.  He is exactly the fortress needed in my times of weakness.  It makes me feel braver just thinking about it!