I've been quiet

Sorry friends.  It is that time of year, which my grandmother assures me is the whole year, when we are too busy nearly to breathe.  Gotta work on that.  We need to find more time for everyone, it seems.

Anyway, there is this great giveaway on one of my favorite blogs.  You totally need to check it out today if you have time.  I could so totally finish my Christmas shopping and throw the Christmas party of the century if I won.

http://laurawinslowphotography.com/blog/2011/11/21/10000-holiday-bloggie-bash-laura-winslow-photography/

So, check it out, and enjoy the vendors as much as I do.  A way to celebrate and support small business, check out some amazing photography, and find my favorite party and cute stuff vendors anywhere.

Showers and such

I had the most incredible honor of helping with a bridal shower today.  There were many reasons I was excited for the opportunity, not the least of which is my desire to start my own party planning business.  I found myself thinking about the party during church, which isn't uncommon, really, as (hopefully I am not the only one who struggles with this!) my mind can wander.  It wandered a good direction today, because I found myself evaluating what it is about party planning that I enjoy so much.

I found myself having to face up and decide if it was all pride.  Was I only wanting to do party "stuff" because of the ego-stroking that comes when things go well?  Is is about me feeling important and popular?  I had to really think about that.  And as I thought, I had to be honest enough to admit that was at least a small part of it.  Being entirely honest. don't we all seek after a little pat on the back?  We get stoked when we are "stroked."  But shouldn't there be more?  If we are seeing after doing something as a career or even a hobby that it is only just about ego, what happens when the results of your job don't get the result you desire?  Will you give up in defeat?

So I was left wondering.  What more is there to my desire to chase this dream?  Is there more to this dream? I thought back to something I told my family about parties.  If you have ever read any of the Love Languages books by Gary Smalley, this will make more sense.  Parties appeal to our desire to be loved.  The speak to every love language.  We give and get hugs at parties (touch).  We get cards and well wishes (words of encouragement).  We usually get at least one gift (gifts).  Someone expends their time and energy to make the party happen for us (acts of service).  Our friends join us at the party (quality time).  Parties make us feel loved.  Planning a successful party is all about love.

And then, Pastor Paul went and said something that just resounded with the direction my brain had wandered.  It was a verse most of us know.  "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. " John 15:13.  And my mind wandered a little farther.  You see, most of us will NEVER be asked to jump in front of a proverbial bullet for a friend.  We might go our entire lives to a ripe old age and never follow in Jesus' footsteps or in the martyr's footsteps, laying down our life for our faith.  But should we walk even a DAY without at some point laying down our life (you know, that stuff we do all day every day for our own pleasure, to further our careers, to make our kids better/smarter/funnier, the stuff that gives us a kick) for a friend?  


I am NOT a morning girl.  I like to sleep in and I am usually one of the first in bed at our house.  But when it comes time to plan a party or event, I will stay up a little later and get up a little earlier than usual just to make it what I think it should be.  I can lay down my need for sleep for a time for a friend.


I am NOT a housekeeper.  I don't even remotely like washing dishes.  But you know, when it comes time to bake goodies for a party, I have no problem whatsoever cleaning my kitchen 5 or 6 times in a day so I can have a clean space to prep party goodies.  I can lay down my dislike of washing dishes by hand for a friend.  


I am NOT a computer wiz.  I like to buy stuff someone else has created, but my budget is tight most of the time.  I joke that I like to put together Highland Park parties on a Rowlett budget.  That means I just can't afford to spend $45+ per party to get the look I want from window dressing stuff.  I can lay down my fear of struggling through learning a new technology to make my party just a little nicer for a friend.  


For some of us, there are things we might like to do for a friend, and it just isn't in us.  For me, that includes decorating a full size cake.  I leave that to my daughters and husband.  I tell everyone.  Cakes make me cry.  I am probably NOT going to lay my cake-distresses down for a friend, but I will happily help you find the right baker for your party!  I have friends that would not be up to laying their life down for a friend at a party.  And I applaud that, especially if your gifts lie elsewhere.  You ladies know who you are.  You are my greatest encouragers.  You inspire me to budget more carefully.  You show me that persevering through great trials will result in joy in the morning.  You amaze me with your unique gifts.  And somewhere, somehow in your life, God will present you the opportunity to use those to lay your life down for a friend.
 

Let it Rain

We've been sitting in the driest conditions in our dustbowl of a state watching the clouds gather and tease us with hopes and thoughts of rain.  I watched my kids run squealing out of our house a few days ago because there were a few rain drops on the grill.  I walked to and from our local dance studio yesterday because for once this year, it was cool enough to not just do it, but to enjoy it.  And my aching joints suggest that perhaps, just maybe, if the atmosphere is truly as it feels it is, we might just get some rain sometime soon.

But here I am, doing a "rain check" on my heart.  Is my heart dry and brittle?  Have I neglected the Word, which rains hope and peace and floods my soul with His goodness?  Am I feeling discontented not because I truly need to work harder but because I have let weeds of pride or envy creep into the garden which God has planted in my heart?  When I talk to my children, is it with love, peace, joy, and understanding, or am I hard like our Texas soil in the absence of rain?  I am thankful to say that right now I am in a season of gentle, soaking rain.  You remember it?  The kind our property so desperately needs right now?  I'm still lumpy and bumpy and I need the Gardener to weed and till up some of the hard ground, but there is a healthy growth working its way through the hardness that drought has created.

Let's pray for rain, friends!

The body-heart connection

I've often wondered how it is that even without looking at a calendar, without counting up the days, our body can seem to know that a day has some kind of painful connection?  As I sat on the couch, trying to decipher the slightly higher blood pressure, muscle aches, and anxiety I was feeling, I started to think about what day today is.  Why today?  Why on a holiday weekend when everything seems to be doing so well?  Why, when my heart feels like it is finally starting to mend and I can pray without asking why bad things happen, am I feeling so down?  Turns out, today is the one-month anniversary of our most recent loss.  And like clock work, each time the one-month anniversary of a loss rolls around, with it comes a wave of sadness, of actual physical anxiety and stress that I find myself wondering if I need a trip to a doctor's office.

There is a great verse, Isaiah 40:31, for just such a moment as this, "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.  They shall mount up on wings as eagles.  They shall run, and not be weary.  They shall walk, and not faint."  So, I gather my tears and my struggles.  I gather my questions that will probably remain unanswered until I see Jesus face to face.  I gather the pieces of my heart that are just starting to mend back into place.  And gathered all together, I wait.  It would be so much easier if there were some "doing" out there for me.  And in the coming days and weeks, there will be jobs God puts in my way to do.  But for tonight, I will simply wait.  Trusting that it will be as He has said.

Change

I have been challenged to journal about change, and because I just can't do things the ordinary way, like getting out a notebook and writing in it, I decided to put it out here, for you to enjoy and me to be able to look at later.  Pardon any mistakes or strange tangents, it is just supposed to be a quick and spontaneous activity, not a 5 paragraph treatise.  

If I could change one thing about my life right now, it would be my house.  I would like to change it because I get tired of always having everyone underfoot with little space for anyone to call his or her own.  It is so incredibly stressful to have to figure out how to make 6 people's belongings fit into a house designed for 4 or fewer.  Figuring out how to fix dinner in a kitchen with no prep space other than the kitchen table, which MUST be cleaned before you can sit down to eat.  Trying to figure out where to put everyone's clothing that must be washed, dried, folded, sorted into rooms, worn, and the go back through the system all over again.  Trying to have a work-compatible place where I can concentrate without the constant barrage of other activities.  Finding a place to do any kind of hobby that would allow me to do a project I didn't finish in the 30 minutes to two hours I find to work on that hobby before having to move on to another job.

If someone had told me 12 years ago when we bought this house (and it looked so huge with nothing in it and compared to our little 2 bedroom apartment!) that we would one day have 4 children and I would work from home while homeschooling, I wish I would have realized that perhaps we needed another year to save up more of a down payment so we could have purchased a little more house then so we would not feel so very stuck now!

When I imagine that the entire change has been made in the best possible way, I imagine us moving to a nearby neighborhood (because I love where we live and have high expectations for the community in which we buy a home) with at least 4 bedrooms, maybe even 5, a decent kitchen and dining area, and if possible, a separate room for school stuff/hobby stuff/a work space/and play stuff that could be organized into "zones" and used for several purposes, but not be the main livingroom where everyone in kingdom come shows up for anything!  I imagine a house where my little boy can finally have a room that isn't purple and pink (poor little buy, sharing a room with his big sister, which doesn't bother him, really, but bothers me!).  

If I were to make that change, my first step might be to figure out how to get this darn garage converted.  Even if we can't figure out how to get out of our present house, we need to figure out how to make it work for us.  Turning of our extra closets into "cloffices" or closet offices and closet hobby areas may work to some extent.  I started that a long time ago, but wasn't able to make it seriously work because I didn't have the best ideas for making it happen.  New inspiration may help me get that figured out so once the garage is done I can have my office/hobby space in a closet.  In my dream world, though, I would just be able to walk out my front door, pick out the house that fits, and move:)

Figuring it all out

I think maybe I have my problem figured out.  I think that "figuring things out" is my problem.  I want to figure out why.  I want to figure out what next.  I want to figure out how.  And I get so bogged down in all of those questions I forget to rest in the peace of who I am today.  I forget to rest in the peace of where I am today.  I forget to rest in the peace of He who holds the tomorrows.  Maybe I don't need to figure things out.

Shocker, really.  I know I'm not the first or the last woman on earth to be faced with this conversation with herself.  I've even had this conversation with other women who have gone through things they don't understand.  I don't really know if it is a "woman" thing or a "human" thing.  Maybe I can figure that out... or not.
 

When it all gets mixed up

I haven't written for a while, as it has been a strange time at our house.  We have been on vacation and celebrated my sister-in-law's pregnancy, my nephew's birthday, my husband's birthday, and had lots of family fun.  We came home and within a week discovered we were in the midst of a miscarriage for a pregnancy we had only barely announced, sharing only with a few close friends and a very small part of the family.  And then, it was back to school time, and planning for my oldest little woman's 15th birthday.

There are no words to describe how hard it is when the joyful parts of life are all wrapped around grief.  Do I feel relieved for having so much to distract me from the sadness in my life?  Do I feel like I am somehow not honoring the little life we lost by celebrating and throwing myself into the plans for the upcoming party?  Am I struggling with my faith and yet having to teach my children how to HAVE faith all at the same time?  The answer, quite simply, is yes.  I can't even wrap my head around it all.  And as funny/sad/strange as it sounds, in the midst of planning the birthday party that I am going to enjoy this weekend, I find myself trying to figure out how to help other moms as they face that awful site on the ultrasound.  And I find myself planning my son's birthday party in November and Christmas and... you get the idea.

So, I've decided to take a break out of all of it and spend Saturday, September 10 with Beth Moore at a Simulcast location.  I can always hear from God when I go to a Beth Moore event.  Even in the midst of sorrow.  Even when my faith is about the size of that much discussed mustard seed.  Even when my mind is whirling with plans I am making and where I want to be this time next year.  So join me.  Find a local Beth Moore simulcast and come hear from God with me.  Even if you have doubts.  Even if you struggle with the goodness of God.  Even if.

Indulging the Creative Side of Me

I'm  off at grown-up camp.  Sort of.  I have run away to a scrapbooking weekend, leaving my 4 wonderful offspring with their equally wonderful dad.  They are all wonderful for making it easy on me as I run away to create something.

Sometimes I make pages for my kids albums.  Sometimes I make pages for my albums.  I nearly always get a lot done on whatever I work on.  Last year, I made a mini album for my husband, a Kindergarten year album for my daughter, and several cards for fellow retreat goers.  In 2 days.  Yep.  I work hard on my retreat.  I'm taking a few minutes to blog before I get started because once I start, I have trouble stopping for more than a few hours to sleep and eat.  This trip will be a bit different because I'm also in charge of the food.  Could be dangerous.  The other 10 women may very well go home thinner because of my cooking.

Have a great weekend, all!  Create something this weekend.  Indulge yourself in some time to relax and do something you love without guilt.  You will be glad you did.

Ups and Downs

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:14-15, NIV).


Yesterday, when I was in the midst of my commentary on all of the potentially fear inducing messages in my inbox that morning, I didn't even think about giving you my "background."  I come from a family that is sometimes completely, unreasonably ruled by fear.  My grandmother took to her bed for literally 25+ years (I am honestly thinking closer to 30!) because of her fear of developing a particular medical ailment.  She was nearly constantly convinced she was dying and that anything we did would hurry that along.  My mom has made it to adulthood without ever learning to swim because of my grandmother's pathological fear of drowning.  I remember my mom trying and trying ever summer we could afford the adult swim lessons and being derailed every year because lurking in the back of her own mind was her fear (learned from her mom), that she would drown or that one of her children would drown.  I grew up fighting that fear from childhood.  I suspect it is my dad's genetic imprint on me that I refuse to let fear keep me from doing things I really need to do.  


Along the way of life, I developed this panicky sensation every time I had to cross a long bridge.  The worst one for me was the one on Highway 66 going from Rowlett to Rockwall.  This wouldn't have been a problem, but we have to drive that bridge.  Frequently.  I could choose to keep my roamings in Garland, or I could find some way to get over that sensation and just do it.  Which is what I did.  With lots of deep breathing, lots of prayer, and lots of continued driving on that bridge, I have gotten back to my initial ability to drive pretty much anywhere without fear.  


So, what is up with that quote at the beginning, you might ask.  Go ahead.  Ask!  That was the verse in my inbox today.  What does it remind me?  That through all of the struggles with fear, through every day I walk on earth, God already knew exactly what I would deal with.  He already knew about my battles, and is here, prepared to help me fight them.  He is exactly the fortress needed in my times of weakness.  It makes me feel braver just thinking about it!

Who goes there? Are you Friend or Foe?

I opened up about fear yesterday, and found myself greeted by message after message about trusting God in the hard times today.  From a video posted by my favorite radio station about when our world is falling apart to my inbox devotional reminding me that

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze (Isaiah 43:2 NIV).


I went to another Facebook page and found an article about "When God Breaks Your Heart."  And I began to feel that familiar fear sneaking back in.  Is this God's way of telling me to brace myself for a firestorm?  Is my world as I know it about to fall apart?  (I see him now, the little guy on my shoulder feeding me fear with my breakfast!).

Some mornings, it is clear that God uses media to speak to me, and I grab onto His word and savor it for the entire day.  But right now, I want messages of hope and peace, and I keep finding messages of coming fires and disappointment.  I know the verse goes on to remind me that in the fire, I will not be burned, but it promises nothing about not having your heart broken.  Is it God? Or could it be the enemy trying to steal the peace the God has promised me?  Or could it be both:  God using His words to remind me that He is ever with me, ever holding me, and that even when it FEELS like my world is falling apart or when it FEELS like I will be burned up in the midst of the flames around me or when it FEELS like my heart is broken beyond repair, that REALITY says God is still on his throne, He is still in control, and He will bring me through it all. The enemy is not afraid of God's word- He used it with Jesus to try to tempt him away from God's ultimate plan in the desert, right, so the enemy could totally be trying to get me to grasp on to the fear instead of the peace that God offers.

So I find myself in a battle, at 9:30 AM, which is entirely too early for me to be doing battle.  I draw the Sword God has given me, and determine that I WILL rest in His peace today instead of giving in to the fear that tempts to overwhelm me.

Of Whom Should I Be Afraid?

I memorized that verse in Psalms when I was a kid:  "The LORD is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?", Ps 27:1, NIV.  But fear is a funny thing.  It creeps up on us when we are walking firmly in the Lord's strength, nipping at our weakest spots until we, distracted from our Source, latch on to it's hand and begin to walk in trembling.  Am I the only woman who lives life in a delicate dance with fear?  It is a two-step born of an earnest desire to live fully in God's peace and protecting fortress but sheltered in my oh-so human body with frailties and moments of weakness and sometimes entire days of struggle.  Perhaps it is the wording of the verse that leaves me grasping.  What IS a stronghold and How can the LORD be one for me?  I appreciate that He is my light and salvation.  But it is the other stuff that leaves me shaking in fear.  It is the stuff that sometimes seems to slip past His notice (though I know in my heart of hearts it has not slipped past His notice, but is instead being allowed for some reason I may never understand but in which I can only seek to find His Glory).  So, when I saw this version, my heart began to calm.  


"The LORD is my light and my salvation--so why should I be afraid? The LORD is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?" Psalm 27:1, NLT.  He is my FORTRESS.  He is my Mont-St-Michel rising from the turbulent waters of the ocean.  He is my guarding walls, not a crumbling ruin, but a majestic and mighty FORTRESS in all times.  I think it is time to relearn this verse.  Time to internalize His mighty majesty.  Time to realize that He goes so far beyond merely being a light in darkness.  He is more than simply a "fire insurance."  He is, in fact, my protection in all kinds of weather.  Even when the rains fall and the hurricane hits with gale forces, I can seek shelter in Him.  

Bears and Stairs...

We just got back from our vacation in the Smokies with the entire family (the big guy's brothers and their families plus an assortment of extra family members).  It was a lot of fun, but we were ready for the relative quiet of our house after a week in a cabin with 12 kids!  The little guy had a great time running around shooting things with his two little cousins that are just older and younger than he is, and thoroughly enjoyed chasing his not quite 2 year-old cousin around the kitchen of the cabin.  By the time we left, after 4 days of climbing stairs all of the time in the 4 story lodge, plus one hike down and back up about half of the mountain on which our cabin was perched, the sore muscles had nearly recovered and adjusted to the constant climbing.  Now, back on flat land and in our flat house, I suspect those newly built muscles have already come and gone.

Funny how it works, though.  You go on vacation and come home tired.  We were also already planning our next trip there before we even had left the area, which tells you just how much we enjoyed it!  Our next vacation to the area includes plans to learn the crafts we enjoyed so much while we were there:  spinning, weaving, pottery, and anything else we can find to learn, mixed with way more hiking and nature.  You can bet there will be a new file on my desktop labeled, "dream vacation planning" which will include my ideas for a future trip to Yellowstone and for a trip back to Gatlinburg to do more of what we loved most!

"I don't like doing this"

Those are the words I heart today as I tried to get my littlest woman to work on her letters.  "I don't like doing this."  Somehow, she seems to think that means I won't make her do it, or that perhaps I might cut the lesson short or go easier on her.  It reminds me of me.  When I am faced with a chore I really hate.  Like dishes.  "I don't like doing this!"  Maybe someone will come do them for me.  I have some help with the dishes, which is great, but if I just said, "I don't like doing this!" and refused, somehow, I thing everyone would be unhappy with me.

Then there is my walk with the Lord.  Sometimes, it is reading a passage of the Bible I find particularly , shall we say, "challenging."  "I don't like doing this!"  But He has something for me in it.  A lesson better learned from print and paper than from the school of experience.  Sometimes, it is going through a particular trial (many trials, for that matter!)  I just want to stomp my feet, and say, "I DON'T LIKE DOING THIS!" And I hear the Holy Spirit gently reminding me that there is a lesson to be learned, a friend to later be encouraged, or perhaps just some of life that must be experienced rather than avoided.  I wish I could find away out of those trials, but there they are.  A part of life.  We can face them with anger or whining, like my daughter with her page of letters, or we can face them with trust and the peace of God walking through it with us.  I have to be honest.   A lot of time, I am like my daughter.  I hate admitting it, but truth is truth.  I don't like to bring my friends down, but when we walked through the loss of not one, but two babies in the second trimester of pregnancy, I will tell you, there was a lot of anger and whining.  The second time through, there was a lot more peace, though.  Not because experience in any way made it easier, but simply because I made up my mind each day, each hour, and frequently, each minute to walk through that fire holding tightly to the Hand of the only One who could hold me up through the whole thing.  Maybe when I grow up, I can respond to trials like Jesus, pleading for God to take the trial away, but accepting in the midst of the fire the peace that only He can give.

Destination: Vacation

We haven't taken a lot of vacations in our family as the family has grown- it is just plain hard traveling in a family of six.  We are too darn honest to check into a hotel and NOT tell them how many of us there are, and there just aren't a lot of hotels set up to handle all of us.  I took two of the kids and went with a friend and our dance buddies to Orlando last year, but our last trip as a whole family was probably three years ago to San Antonio!  We went there with one of the big guy's brothers.

For whatever reason, we are once again taking our vacation with family, heading to the Smoky Mountains to hook up with many of the family members, and taking over a 9 bedroom cabin.  I admit some concerns over being in a cabin, however, large, with 12 kids, but looking at the cabin pics, aside from my fear of losing one of them, and the suspicion that I will once again be labeled the mean aunt because I just don't tolerate a lot of running amok and screaming and expect to be listened to, I think it will end up being a lot of fun.  I'll keep you posted.  Maybe I can even manage to post a pic a day of our lovely surroundings.  Fortunately, the Smokies are no where near as high as the Rockies, so hopefully altitude sickness won't be a part of my week.

Here's to fun with a little less sun!!!

Mouthwash for the Brain?

This past week was our Nationals Competition for dance.  It is a crazy week filled with getting girls ready to dance in costumes and makeup in short amounts of time so they can strut their stuff, so to speak, in front of judges and other dancers in hopes of winning the big trophy at the end of the weekend.  I currently have daughters spanning 3 different age levels, though only two of them were dancing this week.  What this means is that the dance teams we end up watching while waiting for our own dancers range in age from 9 to 17.  As we were coming back in for awards, we happened to get caught in the auditorium for "Burlesque," a lively, umm, well, burlesque number, featuring quite a few girls and one guy.  I stood in total disbelief for the 3 minutes of the performance wishing it wouldn't be totally rude to cover my nearly 15 year-old's eyes!  Seriously.  Maybe it was just me (well, couldn't have been entirely just me, because she left with the same feeling).  Some of the moves included some that came straight from the Dirty Dancing movie or perhaps a Dancing with the Stars over the top Samba number, and a moment where the boys face was pretty much in his female partner's cleavage.  These kids had to be between 15 and 17, some possibly younger, but NONE over 18.  I'm not sure which confused me more- that the teacher thought the sexuality level in that performance was showcasing, or that the parents of the girls involved didn't object.  I understand not all girls are like my daughter.  I really get that.  I understand that not all girls will elect not to do a performance number because they are uncomfortable with the costume direction and the song choice.  And I also understand that not everyone is as conservative as we are, which is why we usually just "smile and wave" during dances like this one, as long as my own children aren't involved in the dance.

However, the more activist mom in me really wanted to chase down the choreographer who presented that number to a "family audience" and ask why they thought it was appropriate.  Why was it okay to subject us to Vegas-showgirl antics?  I left after the number was over (only because it is very poor audience behavior in a competition to be moving around when a number is on the stage, no matter how much you dislike what you see) commenting that it was really too bad they didn't make mouthwash for the brain so I could manage to clean the images out of my mind.  I think I'm getting too old for this...

All in a day's work

Totally missed writing yesterday, because as a mom with 4 kids, sometimes life just gets too crazy to get everything that is on the "list" checked off!  It is Stage One National's Week in Arlington, so one of my lovely ladies had dance, while two of her sisters had theater rehearsals.  The little guy and I were merely along for the ride.  Today is day 2 of the craziness, with a different daughter dancing and still two daughters having theater rehearsals.  Today's schedule completely overlaps, so we ended up having to plan carppooling and child care.  And the little guy decided one day of watching hundreds of girls dancing was enough for him, and requested a visit to Nana's house.  He is so smart to know his limits.

In the meantime, it is the much awaited Cow Appreciation day.  We have many plans for the day that involve various Chick-fil-A stores that happen to fall on our route, and look forward to a lot of fun with our "herd."  I admit it, nothing truly witty to say, though I could share with you my collection of cow jokes (I will spare you, though!) or bad puns that I usually end up using while we are out on our cow appreciation day journey.  But really, you have to hand it to Chick-fil-A for giving us this opportunity to dress up in silly costumes and get free food.  I feel like it is a great exchange.  If you are too dignified to don a few spots, maybe some ears and a tail, it is all your loss.  In the meantime, I'm willing to be a bit undignified to have a whole lot of fun with my family, being with other families out having fun.

"R U CHIKN?"

When I say the words, "Cow Appreciation Day," what comes to your mind?  For us, it is that day every year where we gear up in our black and white and go get our free Chick-fil-A lunch.  Seems like a fair trade.  We dress silly and get a few laughs as we steer the herd (puns definitely intended!) up to dinner.  When you have a family of 6, free food is a huge deal.  Even on the years I have not managed to get myself costumed up, we have still managed to feed all of us for under $6.  I'm hoping for an entirely free food day for those of us who make it. Early lunch before I have to go to Nationals, then a late dinner after we get back.  Thanks, Chick-fil-A.  I will totally be singing the Chick-fil-A song Friday!

Dark side of the Mom?

Riding home from watching fireworks a second time, I found myself humming, rather irrationally, the Pink Floyd song, "Brain Damage" from The Dark Side of the Moon.  You might have expected some patriotic verse or something from our usual KLTY radio station, perhaps a nice worship song if you know me well.  But there it was.  Pink Floyd.

I suspect a lot of it had to do with the fact that lurking under my usually fairly calm exterior is my dad.  I won't lie.  My dad has grown up a lot over the years, and age has, for the most part, mellowed him tremendously (which is super good for the grandchildren!).  When I was a kid and living at home, though, he had a hair trigger temper that we all walked on eggshells around, especially when he was in a "mood."  That part of me sneaks out some days, and I am left with a not so good feeling at the end of it.  It nearly always requires an apology to someone (usually my kids), and a lot of prayer and Bible reading to remind me to get that inner lunatic under control.  My dad isn't really a lunatic, and never was, but that is frequently how I feel when that part of me tries to sneak out.

Sometimes, my inner lunatic is more of a silly 13 year-old girl.  It is that part of me that wants to giggle and point when I notice some teen boy checking out one of my daughters, or notices some boy I think they should be checking out.  I've gotten several laughs impersonating myself and telling my daughters and their friends that inside most moms is a teenager.  We just keep her under wraps most of the time.  She usually only makes an appearance at a party, late at night when we have had too much popcorn and root beer, or when we are looking in the mirror finding things to hate about ourselves.

I suspect many people would find the fact that at a scrapbooking weekend I can totally forget to eat more than an occasional meal a bit of a lunatic hiding in side me.  It is the same lunatic that will work on a project until about 2 AM after most of the room has cleared out, then wake up at 5:30 or 6 AM with the early risers to get started again.  And I think I'm having fun while I'm doing it!  I get some of my best ideas, like sneaking cards to a few of the scrappers who inspired me that weekend, or that great page you look at years later and still smile about.

Do you have an inner lunatic just waiting to escape, or is it just me?  Ah well.  It is no longer dark, and work calls.  I must get the lunatic back on the path.

"I don't like spiders and snakes..."

"And that ain't what it takes to love me."

Have you ever heard that really old song by Jim Stafford?  It always makes me smile.  But spiders do NOT make our Big Guy smile at all (or any of us, really, except maybe the little guy who still thinks bugs are cool).  Apparently, yesterday there was an incident similar to that of Little Miss Muffet, only there were no tuffets involved, only an office chair, and the spider made the mistake of getting between Techie and Big Screen Monitor.  A very bad place to be for any uninvited guest.  At dinner, it was shared that said sweet hubby grabbed his pair of shoes from the floor next to the office chair, and used the shoes to applaud the little spider's existence so to speak, thereby decorating Dad's shoes.  Little Guy proclaimed, "Oh, what a nice little bug!"

I couldn't resist looking at the big guy and asking if there were balloons and streamers on his shoes, to which he replied, trying not to laugh or truly upset the Little Guy, "Something like that..."  Little Guy went on for sometime about the nice little bug until we got him to talk about the roly poly habitat he built recently on a shelf in our living room.

Where do the snakes come in?  Well, for what ever reason, Little Guy was particular vocal yesterday.  It was like he was trying to make up for every meal where he didn't have enough to say all in one day.  He barely managed to stop long enough to eat brunch or dinner telling us all about the large sword he had built in the back yard with a pokey at one end and some other item at the other end.  He has a specially made drawer in the shed just the right side to hold the sword, and later, he can use it to cut down some of the trees in the backyard.  The drawer is apparently in the very back of the shed, well hidden, so even the bad buys can't find it and run away with it.  He wasn't happy with me for not wanting to go out in the heat of the day and find that sword for him.  Five minutes later, Little Guy announced, "I have snakes in the garage.  Nice baby snakes..."  Oh my.  He definitely has an imagination!

I had thought about writing a blog post about Independence day, but to be honest, I couldn't pass up sharing about our spiders and snakes.  We are celebrating our Nation's birth by watching fireworks, grilling with friends, and being super thankful for the freedom we have as citizens of this great nation!  

I've Built a Blog. Now what??

I thought about calling my blog "The WannaBe," but I didn't want everyone to get the wrong impression.  I guess I think of myself as a WannaBe not because I wish I were some famous person, but because there is just so MUCH I want to be!  I want to be that parent that every kid remembers in 25 years as the kind of mom they want to be (and how often I fail at that!!).  I want to be a happenin' party planner and hostess that leaves my guests excited to be invited to my next shindig.  I come close, but I don't expect to see any of my "masterpieces" on HGTV anytime soon!  I want to be the author of the funny blog all my friends pass around and giggle over, or perhaps the writer who brings tears to your eyes as you reach a little closer for the relationship with God you've always searched for.  I'd like to be the kind of cook whose dinner leaves my family talking about it for days, and not because I blew up the chicken right before the guests got there (yep.  that really happened to me.  Make sure you know which pans are really Pyrex and which ones are imitation!).  I want to be a costume creator and come up with fabulous costumes for plays and dances.

So I drag myself into my endless lists of things I Wanna Be.  And I forget to just enjoy being who I AM.  You see, I don't have to be Beth Moore or Amy Atlas or Martha Stewart or anybody else.  I just have to be the very best Me I can be.  So, here is my blog.  I might have tips on party planning or chats on mom-hood, an occasional eye opening devotion or rant about my failings as a Christian or whatever.  I probably will not find myself going viral or even see my little chats forwarded to your cousin's sister's brother's wife who needs to read about..., but maybe as we walk together, we can both get to be a little better at just being who we are created to be.